Month: July 2015

BufBloPoFo 09 DayFourteen (March 27, 2009)

Becky SarwateLeave a comment

So are you sad it’s almost done? Are you going to miss all of your fellow participants? Well, your assignment is to give us a farewell speech. I’m continually amazed that anyone decided to play along with the BufBloPoFo. I say you take it easy tomorrow for your last day and just post a quick “so long” to your fellow participants.

It occurs to me as I re-read my work of the last two weeks, that I was very open and confessional in my approach to BufBloPoFo. Notwithstanding the one attempt at humor I offerred where I lambasted my husband’s housework contributions, I notice a distinctly dark and documentarian style to my posts. Well, I must admit I can be kind of dark as it is, but I have also been going through a sort of third-life crisis for the last nine months, and it is reflected in what I have put out there. I wear my heart on my sleeve and have often been accused of giving up too much, but I am not sure I know how to be any other way. Jen and I grew up in a house of secrets and I apparently have run so far from that, I am an open book entirely.

I am not a creative writer. I find it hard to concoct names, faces, places and situations out of the recesses of my imagination. When I read a work of amazing intelligence and vision, like this novel by Suri Hustvedt, which I just finished, I am alternately stunned and more than a little jealous:

http://www.amazon.com/What-Loved-Novel-Siri-Hustvedt/dp/0312421192

I just don’t have it in me. But what I can do, what I do not shrink from, is openly share my own experiences: my joys, sorrows and fears. My hope is that this sharing goes both ways. Maybe I amuse or talk about something that we all go through, but don’t often discuss openly. But I also confess to selfish motives. I have, most of the time anyway, no answers, just questions. My wish is that by sharing them, I will receive enlightenment, and hopefully take another baby step in figuring out myself and this world in which we live.

I am going offline for the next week or so, except for the possibility of a return to a “My End or Yours?” with Jen in the coming days. I appreciate those of you who hung in there with me, and read some, if not all of my musings for the last fortnight. I want to thank Mike Garvey for coming up with a novel exercise like BufBloPoFo that forced me to stretch myself even as I was already a bit overextended. I want to thank my fellow participating bloggers who entertained me, and often intimidated me with their own brilliance.

BufBloPoFo 09 DayThirteen (March 26, 2009)

Becky SarwateLeave a comment

Link to whatever you posted exactly one year ago (or whatever’s closest), and give your readers an update on that topic. If you haven’t been writing for a year, give us a list of three or four things that are going on in your life right now that you’ll want to update one year from now.

We’re in the home stretch folks, lucky number 13. Just another day of reading my various navel contemplations and then we’ll both go on a much needed break.

Jen and I only got this blog up and running in January, so I have no year-old posts upon which to reflect. However, my current life is a major state of flux and tumult, so I can easily think of four things that even I would like to know the status of in another 365 days:

1. My career – after I leave the ADA in early May, what next? I have just accepted my first assignment as a volunteer writer for StreetWise, but will I also be writing for cash? Or will I be standing next to one of the StreetWisevendors with a tin cup in my hand, rueing the day I ever walked away from the security of a 9 to 5?

2. Will my braces be off, and will I, for the first time since the age of 6, have a smile of which I am proud? I have attended all of my orthodontic appointments and followed Dr. Colleen’s instructions to the letter (forgetting that unfortunate almond incident). The tentative treatment end date is March 2010. Will I cease to be a metal mouth as anticipated?

3. After I return from Miami, Israel and Danver, will I travel anywhere else, or will I be too bogged down by the job hunt and life itself? Is there a return trip to India in my future, my dream of seeing London, etc.?

4. Will I be able to continue the careful dance dance regarding babies with my in-laws? I have bought myself some time with Eddie’s own career ups and downs, the recession, etc. But after my 31st birthday, especially if Eddie is solid on the employment front, I anticipate the turning up of the heat.

BufBloPoFo 09 DayTwelve (March 25, 2009)

Becky SarwateLeave a comment

I want to hear your best advice for those of us raising kids.

To quote the drama plagued heroine of Grey’s Anatomy, Meredith Grey, seriously? Do you know who you’re asking? Is there anyone left on God’s green Earth who isn’t well aware of my conflicted feelings on this subject? Kids – I love them. In fact there are two in particular, 9 year-old KK and almost 2 year-old Rosebud that I find exceptionally appealing. KK and I in fact have a particular bond that stems from my heavy involvement in her formative years. Rosebud and I have not had as much opportunity to become bffs as she a) kind of hates people (so like her mamma at that age), and b) we can’t see one another as often as I would like.

In fact my complicated reluctance to fulfill my “female destiny” (so named by my ever hopeful mother-in-law) has nothing to do with my disdain for the little ones. If I were being honest, my fear is of myself. I don’t want to bring the dysfunction inflicted on me as a child to anyone else, and have thus at times decided it is safer not to risk it at all. At the same time, I still feel very much like a work in progress, into my 30s though I might be. There is still so much I want to see and accomplish. Hell a month from now I won’t even have a job. Does this sound like someone who should be having babies? The third driving factor, and perhaps the darkest and most secret, is that I don’t know how I could stand to love someone that much in a world full of pitfalls. Allow me to provide an example from Fall 2001, an incident that still hounds me and wracks me with guilt. KK doesn’t remember, but I bet Jen does and it is while thinking of what she endured that I feel the most shame.

Fall 2001 and KK is not quite 2. Jen and I are roommates and she hasn’t yet met her wonderful husband. She is a single mother and her ex is in the military stationed somewhere out of the country. I have fogotten where – Korea? KK catches the flu in a bad way, and over a period of days appears to go further downhill. By the end of nearly a week, she is unable to walk and Jen takes her to the emergency room at Children’s Memorial Hospital. Jen is barely 21 years old herself, and has the soundness of mind to take this step. And a good thing too because KK was suffering from sepsis, an infection of the blood.

KK spent almost a week in the hospital, and for the first couple of days, she was in very bad shape, enough for both Jen and I to fear for her life. Jen stayed at the hospital nearly round the clock, missed work and dealt with the gripes of her superiors. Nothing was more important to Jen than being near her baby. KK and Jen were, and are, everything to me, but where was I? Completely unable to deal with the situation, my stupid 23 year-old ass was out boozing, tripping the light fantastic with my crowd of gay friends, stopping by the hospital daily, but never staying long, prefering to check in with Jen by phone instead. Even as I write this, I want to cry for how selfish and incompetent I was as an auntie, a human, and most importantly, as a sister.

Jen had no one else. She was divorced, and our parents were not in our lives. She had me and she had KK. Period, and I let her down. She went through the whole ordeal totally alone, and I have yet to forgive myself. I readily consider this one of the lowest levels to which I have sunk in my lifetime. What’s worse about it is that I have always sort of considered Jen to be my child. Therefore I failed myself, I failed as a mother, and I failed as an aunt. It was love and fear that caused me to behave the unaccountable way I did, but that is no excuse. I still don’t know how Jen was able to absolve me. Whenever my mind wanders toward the idea of Eddie and I becoming parents, I remember this terribly awful episode. I am not sure I have the strength and endurance that it takes to be a mother.

BufBloPoFo 09 DayEleven (March 24, 2009)

Becky SarwateLeave a comment

Okay okay, if you don’t have a cell phone with a camera in it, then your assignment is to write a post about what it’s like living in the scary and unfamiliar future world. Do you miss your caveman family and your pet dinosaur?

I do have a cell phone with a camera in it, but never sprung for the data package necessary to upload camera phone shots to my PC. I have plenty of use for technology, but not if it takes unecessary work and funds, which since I hate having my picture taken, this situation certainly falls into that category. Also, I am still a little tired from yesterday’s post, and belive me I could have gone on much longer. I love me some Jen.

I am not sure it’s really necessary to write about a scary and unfamiliar future world. Aren’t we there already? Could anyone have predicted even one year ago the fiscal mess our nation would be in? Yet and still, as I wrote yesterday, I am leaving my job. The conclusion as to whether this move is ballsy or simply crazy has yet to be written. My husband is earning a lot in his present contract job, enough to offset my loss of income, especially if he stops flying home every week (I may join him in Denver for awhile instead), but again, his work is only of a temporary nature. In the past, I have proven very adept at finding employment quickly, but my search is more narrow this time and the economy badly faltering. There is no way I can continue to waste my best years doing anything other than following my heart, and yet I pray I don’t come to regret my decision.

I spent a lot of time last night redoing my resume and posting it on Monster, with the support and encouragement of Eddie and Jen. I am going after a career in authorship. As of Friday, April 3rd when I formally hand in my resignation, I am flying without a net underneath me. I do not need to invent a fictional “scary and unfamiliar future world.” I have one of my own in reality.

BufBloPoFo 09 DayTen (March 23, 2009)

Becky SarwateLeave a comment

For BufBloPoFoMonique day, tell me who inspires you. Who is your hero?

Finally, an answer to a prompt that will come as easy for me as shooting fish in a barrel. The most inspirational figure in my life is none other than my sister and fellow partner-in-blogging, Jen. For those out there that don’t already know the scoop, Jen is a successful traffic reporter for several high profile Chicago radio stations. She is also married to an awesome guy, is the mother of two beautiful girls, and, no crap here fellas, ol’ Jen is also quite fetching (see post below regarding Jen’s attention grabbing booty). Her beauty is made all the more shiny by her witty and intelligent personality and her ability to have a laugh at herself. But objectively, even without these things, she’d a be a 10. She makes all of this look so easy and is one of the most approachable and accessible people you’ll ever meet. These end results instill great admiration in me for my little sister. But the reason she is my hero is because of all the years of slogging through mud to get to where she is now.

Growing up, I was the typical big sister, alternately protective and annoyed, but always enamored of the kid I introduced shortly after her birth as “MY baby sister Jennifer.” We are two years and three days apart, and not many people find this credible, but God as my witness, I remember everything about the day this child was born. I was that excited. Fine, I was a little reluctant to leave the slamming toddler pool party I was attending when my Dad came to pick me up to pay my first visit to the hospital, so as we can see I haven’t changed much. However, I recovered quickly when I got my first glimpse of MY baby. She was sickly and spent her first few weeks in the hospital, but Baby Jennifer was never out of my sights for long. It didn’t take many years before it was widely accepted that this stubborn little blonde thing with the super fine hair was really ever only going to listen to me. And I wouldn’t have had it any other way.

From grade school, to high school, to college, I was the pacesetter. Jen had to endure years of teachers confusing her with me and my nerdy achievements, auditioning for sports, plays and other activities because I encouraged her to take part in the same things I loved. One would never know it now, but back then, Jen was quite shy, reserving her hilarious personality for the inner circle in our home. I will readily admit that I had my moments of concern that my kid might never break out of her shell.

But though I always knew her better than anyone, I was as nonetheless suprised when the student became the teacher. I stumbled in college – big time. I have come to refer to my years at the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign as my “lost years.” Those of you who knew the depressed, overweight, underfunctioning mess I was then know exactly what I am talking about. Those who got hurt by me due to the chaos and confusion going on in my head for half a decade, I still owe some apologies. It was at this time that Jen began to demonstrate a confidence and self-assuredness that I not only didn’t know she had at the young age of 18, but it also contrasted in such a way with my post-adolescent floundering, that I appeared all the more ridiculous to myself.

One semester into her pre-med freshman year, Jen fell in love, became preganant and got married. Goodbye U. of I. Goodbye Chicago. Goodbye perpetually confused older sister. Jen was moving out of state, about to be a first time mother and wife. These were grown-up situations I could not even begin to relate to, especially out of it as I was. I readily admit that when Jen completely changed her life to be a stay-at-home, very young mom, I wondered where it would all end up.

As marriages between two very young people sometimes do, this one fizzled quickly. But do you think my sister had the time or the inclination to give into self-pity and start wailing? No way. She was going to be a single mom. She packed up her baby (the famous KK), her car and her posessions and came back to Chicago. By this time I had graduated and was working my first “real” job downtown. Jen and KK came to stay with me. Within a few weeks, and without the benefit of a college degree, Jen landed herself a solid job, and even registered herself for night classes to boot. Not for the first time, I wondered who this confident woman was and how could I be more like her?

About a year later, Jen met her husband and my brother-in-law through the company where they both worked. They knew they were the real deal almost right away and sadly (for me), I was waving goodbye to Jen and KK as they started another new chapter of their lives in the suburbs. Not long after they married, Jen and the brother-in-law bought a nice house. Jen had earned several promotions at work, and the story could have ended there. But this is my formidable sister we are talking about, and it didn’t.

Jenny didn’t really care for her job, nor was she that into the classes she was taking. By now, she was no longer the shy blondie who hid behind her sister at other people’s birthday parties. She called me one day to announce she was going to broadcasting school. Ok, fine, let’s see how that goes. She entered into a 10 month program, still holding down her full-time gig, and keeping up as wife and mother. Again, she made all of this look easy while she attended classes, hosted an internet radio show through her program, etc. Later the next spring, I watched my baby sister get her diploma.

The school she attended did their due diligence. Chicago is the #3 media market in the nation. People just don’t walk into jobs fresh out of broadcasting school in this town. She was told she’d have to pay her dues elsewhere: Topeka, Kansas or Scranton, Pennsylvania anyone? Pshaw! Jen was having none of that. Her husband, family and life were in Chicago and she wasn’t going anyplace. Those of us who loved and supported her wondered if she had put all this hard work into learning the broadcasting trade, only to have the door shut on her before her career ever started. But here’s the thing I have come to admire most about my sister: Jen doesn’t let doors shut on her. Girl kicks them down with aplomb. For my sister, “No,” only means, “Won’t be easy,” and she isn’t afraid of that.

Still working her day job, still a wife and mother, Jen worked one payless, thankless internship after another, sacrificing her weekends, her valuable time with her family, because she knew she was building something – herself. Once again, this tenacity paid major dividends, because as my story began, there it ends. Jen is a fairly well-known radio personality in the #3 market – at the ripe old age of 28. I can only imagine where she will go next. I pity the fool who gets in her way.

And now of course, Jen is the mother of two. Rosebud joined the family in 2007. I could not imagine how Jen would find more room on her plate and love in her heart, and yet she did. Standing next to my sister, I often feel lazy and shallow, but not because of anything she says. In fact she is my greatest cheerleader, the one who has encouraged me to get my off my ass and give this writing thing a real shot before I end up looking back with regret. With all she has to do, she is the one who actually got this blog off the ground. If you have become sick of my blogging voice, it is only because Jen unleashed it on you. Blame her.

I broke the news to Jen today that I was planning to take my career mission a step further by resigning from the job that makes me miserable, and going after the career in writing and editing that I really want. Even in this horribly weakened economy, I received nothing but supportive feedback from my best pal and sister. Why? Because it’s no risk she hasn’t taken before, and with a lot more to lose. Jen of All Trades? You are my inspiration.