Contemplating My Navel (Personal Blog)

BufBloPoFo 09 DayOne (March 14, 2009)

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For your first day of Blufporbfofoing, tell me the three biggest things going on in your life right now.

Well I can’t forget the first one because he is sleeping not 20 feet away from me, so I am trying to keep it down. I am a hard and fast two finger hunt and peck typer. Pretty odd for a person with a Master’s in English Lit. I know. Anyway, my husband and the continued drama and uncertainty following his career path in 2009 is #1. Will he find a permanent job? Will it allow him to remain at home? We continue to be on pins and needles.

The second biggest thing going on in my world is decidedly less stressful. I am going to Tel Aviv, Israel from the 16th of April, returning the 26th. I am visiting my very good friend Bobby who moved to Israel five years back. He wanted to be closer to his spirtual roots as he grew older, and fell in love with a wonderful Israeli man named Moish. I had long promised I would make it over there, but when I was in grad school, there was no time, and afterward, no money. But this year, I can finally make good. In addition to looking forward to nine days with one of my best friends, Israel is teeming with religious and cultural history. I am a nerd at heart and this factor alone sets my blood pumping.

I had to stop and think pretty hard about the third biggest thing revving me up these days, because #1 and #2 admittedly soak up a lot of my free thinking hours. But I think, if I am being honest, the third biggest thing happening is me. 2009 has so far been one of transition in myself. I have broken out of a lot of old ruts, tried new things I have only talked about doing in the past (like blogging, or taking the online Jeopardy! test). With the help of a great therapist I have been seeing for the last six months, I have become nearly zen-like in my ability to adapt and cope with challenges. For anyone who knows me, this is especially astounding, as I have always been known as a German/Italian hothead through and through. I kind of like this calm new me who is not afraid to take risks, think outside the box and go after what she wants. I have been more honest with myself and pursued that which I desire, with the result that I think I have become far more bearable to those around me.

BUFBLOPOFO 2009 (March 13, 2009)

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This is the busiest time of the year for me in the office, and Lord knows I have had my hands full at home, especially with my husband away. So I don’t know quite what I was thinking when I signed up to do this, but I always like a new challenge, and as I have heard said, if you want something done, give it to a busy person.

I have a friend, Mike Garvey, who lives in Buffalo, and is a fellow blogger. For the last two years, he has sponsored a sort of writing contest. Basically, every day for the next 14, Garvey will choose a topic and all of us participants have accepted the challenge to write a reponse to the prompt on our respective blogs. That is right my friends, every day for the next two weeks, you will be treated to a new treatise from me. I call us particpants, rather than contestants, because there is really no prize at the end except the satisfaction of having committed and made it out the other side. For more on the rules and details, please visit Garvey’s blog:

http://royaltoybox.blogspot.com/

The fun starts tomorrow, March 14th, and I am counting heavily on your moral support. Let the games begin!

Lonesome Dove (March 9, 2009)

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It’s day two of my new weekday life without Eddie. I mentioned that we have done this before, so I saw him off early yesterday morning without tears (not sure if I am capable of them at 4:15 AM anyway). I am bound and determined to make our time apart productive and as fulfilling as possible. I have my nose to the grindstone at the office and do my best to fill my evenings with work around the house, my regular gym schedule and other sundry activities. For the most part, I am so active and diligent in my attempts to distract myself, I forget that I am actually alone. The only two circumstances when I cannot ignore that weird feeling that something is missing are the bookends to my day.

My husband is noise incarnate. He talks, he snorts, he snores, he sings (loudly). Those of you acquainted with him know just what I am talking about. Eddie has a life force about him that I have often wished to emulate, but have been unable to duplicate. It’s just impossible to remain ignorant of his presence. So it was as I got dressed for work yesterday morning that I wondered about the eerie quiet. When Eddie was unemployed, he wasn’t even awake at that time, so why did I feel so alone? I realized that even my husband’s sleeping noises carry a weight and comfort for me. His tossing and turning, coughing and heavy breathing became as much a part of my morning routine as did wrapping my scarf around my neck before walking out the door.

When I came home from the office for the day, I found myself calling out to him from the front door out of habit. I somehow hoped he’d stick his head out of our office door to bellow the familiar, “Hello Pumpkin!” There are so many instances where I have found the attention grabbing and scene stealing powers of my husband to be annoying, but once they are missing from my everyday, I realize that I am nothing without my larger than life better half.

There are many couples in far more dire straits than us, and I only need to keep this up for four to six months. It will get easier each week. The human being’s ability to adapt to change is really quite remarkable, no matter how we may resist new scenarios at times. It’s sort of tough though when the person you most want to discuss these ideas with is the one person you just can’t see.

Mixed Blessings (March 5, 2009)

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Hubby got a job. A job with Comcast. It’s a 4-6 month contract-to-hire position. That’s not exactly longterm security, but in this economy…well I don’t need to tell any of you. It also pays darned good money, enough so that we can sock away a bit more while bracing for another possible hunt over the summer. But, though this is exactly what I’ve prayed would happen, as with any boon, there is always a catch. Eddie will have to travel back and forth to Denver, Colorado every week from Monday at 4AM, until Friday night at 11 or midnight. That’s going to be rough on him personally, and hell on our marriage in terms of time spent together. Believe me, this is no whine. We need this, and most critically, Eddie needs this. But I will miss him terribly.

We’ve done this before. In the 6 months leading up to our wedding in Raipur, India, Eddie was away each week on a project in Phoenix. We lived almost next door to O’Hare at that time, and he always returned on Thursday night. This was rough, especially on a bride to be, but back then he slept at home more nights than he was away.

The first 7 months of our marriage, Eddie was away in Red Bank, New Jersey, and I again held down the fort at home. The one thing that rendered this bearable to a newlywed wife was that I got him to agree that we’d move back to the City, pronto. It did make things slightly harder on him in terms of getting to the airport and back, but thankfully that was a sacrifice he was willing to make for my sanity. What really killed us both with this project were the 16-18 hour days Eddie put in as a leader of the team. More often than not, this work schedule was in effect even on Saturday and Sunday. One week, he just didn’t come home at all. Comcast at least states that they keep a pretty regular 9-5, Monday-Friday routine (and judging from the crap service I receive as one of their customers, I can attest to their immovability on that front), so I am keeping in mind that my sadness over the imminent disruption to our homelife can only pale in comparison to the trials we endured in 2008.

The field that Eddie has chosen for his career definitely lends itself to high earning potential. But it also comes with risks. One of those is volatility. The work is usually temporary, which creates a lot of opportunity to try new things and see new faces. But as I have seen throughout the worst of this economic downturn, that benefit of change can quickly turn to a disadvantage when you are a temp worker and payrolls are being sliced. There are no unemployment insurance benefits to collect. There’s no real way of knowing when your next paycheck is coming, even if you saved during your employed period.

But as a wife who genuinely and truly adores her husband (Jen and I have that in common), I can tell you that money means nothing when you have to look at your husband’s face after he returns home from months of living in hotel rooms and rental cars, working like a dog, just so he can give you the financial security he thinks you deserve. You just want to grab his weary body and never let him walk back out the door. I am proud of him. The job he has landed is nothing but wonderful, especially when you consider the many other people out there who are forced to make tougher choices than these everyday. But I can’t lie to myself. It won’t be so easy.

Roadkill (February 27, 2009)

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Today was to be my professional day in the sun. I had long planned the first meeting I was to host all by myself, no co-workers, no boss to look over my shoulder. I was to welcome 30 highly respected dental professionals into the ADA Boardroom, a state of the art and imposing facility. I was to proctor the meeting, and even give a 45-minute presentation on our department procedures and program tools. I had spent weeks preparing and collating agenda materials, ordering a fine continental breakfast for the attendees. I was nervous but confident as I woke up with the alarm this morning and headed into work early.

Many of you may have figured out by now that I am a walking sitcom, complete with internal laugh track. So this rather mundane professional situation predictably unraveled into a”Bridget Jones” style farce rather quickly. Seriously, I should have seen it coming.

I reached downtown about 7:30, and went to catch the bus, the 125 Water Tower Express. As I exited the train station, I saw it pull up out of the corner of my eye and congratulated myself on my good timing. I was running to grab it, and the driver started to pull away without me as I was knocking on the door. The bastard (not sure if it was a he or she) never did stop – typical. I am not a quiet knocker. I was frustrated and in my rush, I did not notice the curb of the street. Naturally, in addition to the obvious humiliation of being ignored by a City bus driver in front of hundreds, I had to trip and fall on my hands and knees, hurtling myself into the middle of the road. And before any of you even ask, no, there was no alcohol involved. Again naturally, not one soul in this crowd of hundreds so much as asked I were alright. Now angry, hurt and mortified, I picked myself up and willed my body not to hobble back to the curb, but to return to the sidewalk with my head held high. Giggling gawkers be damned. I dragged myself into the nearest Bank of America ATM vestibule under the guise of withdrawing money, but really so I could injury check, look for my damage to my wardrobe, and let out an animal-like howl as I rubbed my already purple left knee. Gratefully, my shiny black pants were none the worse for wear, so I hopped another bus, popped a Motrin for my sore joints and decided to rise above.

But old Mr. Murphy, he of the famous Law, would not have it so. My ego was to continue its battering and downward descent. I arrived to setup the meeting, only to discover that the”fine continental breakfast” I had asked our admin. to order was nowhere to be found. As she wasn’t in the office yet (of course!), I had to run down the cafeteria and implore the kind staff there to put a rush on a quickie meal for 30. This they did with grace and without going out of their way to impose any additional shame upon me. Thank you Aramark! This was handled seamlessly before the appearance of my first guest, so I moved onto the next crisis – technical problems with my presentation.

The Chairman of the group called the meeting to order, and my part of the proceedings was to take place about an hour in. I discreetly called IT support and sat sweating bullets that I should not be called upon and have to confess my lack of preparedness to present. The wonderful Jay came into the boardroom, equally discreetly and fixed my problem within seconds. Yeah! Celebrating the aversion of another disaster, I headed down the hall to relieve my tea filled bladder, only to encounter one of my meeting attendees just as he was flushing a urinal and zipping up his fly. All too late, I realized I had entered the men’s room. Kill me.

Somehow rather than castigating my incompetence, the dentists thanked me for one of the liveliest meetings they had ever attended. I’ll bet. A small group of them even took me to lunch. I guess old men enjoy the Lucille Ball in me. Fortunately, I am so accustomed to humilating myself, I didn’t feel the shame I probably should have. Lesson learned: whenever I get too high on my professional horse and feel invincible, I am reminded that I am just a girl who can be leveled by a bus (literally and metaphorically) at any moment.