Have Bitterness, Will Travel (July 14, 2009)

I am a woman of many faults, as imperfect as they come. But one thing I have always prided myself on, and I think my loved ones do as well, is my honesty. I do not do bottled up or secretive well, and never have. This cuts both ways in a lot of cases, but I think it’s a trait that has served me well as a writer and a blogger.

All seriousness: no witticisms, pop culture cross references or sarcasm. Mine and Eddie’s marriage is in trouble – in a big way. Some problems are old (his constant business travel and our maturity disparity), some are new (I will still protect my privacy as well as my husband’s here), but they have spiraled out of control, been neglected and ignored for too long, and now we find ourselves at a crisis point a mere 18 months into our union.

Eddie is my soulmate. Despite the pain I am currently in, I still believe that. I also believe that the last week has been a major wake up call. Nonetheless, my emotional state right now is highly volatile. One minute I am hating myself, the next Eddie, ready to go, desperate to stay. One thing was very clear however: after 4 straight weeks of being locked up with my in-laws, and after the most trying and awful weekend I can remember having in a long time, it was definitely time for a change of scenery.

So here I am in Blythewood, SC for 3 1/2 days of working out, sunbathing and swimming. Eddie works until 7 PM most nights, and we are ensconced in a two-bedroom suite at a Residence Inn. That second bedroom, scoffed at only two weeks ago, now couldn’t be available at a better time. I have setup a laptop and am working as fluidly as if I were still at my desk in Chicago. I am tan and fit, have made some new friends (a group of army officers in training), but am lonely and confused.

Last weekend, Eddie gave me an early birthday present, which I have already alluded to in a previous post. I am off to London, solo, from 8/22 – 8/27. It’s a dream come true, yet in some ways, so not how I imagined it would be. Eddie cannot get any time away from work through the end of the year, and anyway, right now, I am not sure I would want him there. I studied all things British for 7 years during undergrad and again as a grad student at Northeastern. I can’t wait to get lost in a world I know intimately in my own imagination, yet haven’t seen in 3-D. Boop is, after all, a humongous nerd, and her visit to the Isles will be her own conception of Nirvana.

I just wish I could feel the full force of the excitement. 2009 is a cruel mistress indeed.


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