“Goldilocks” Offers Hope of Escape? (September 30, 2010)


For those of us tired of the environmental destruction of our planet, the toxic partisanship and “do nothing” attitude that has ground U.S. development of, well anything to a screeching halt, for those who envision the steady globalization of the world economy as a progressively mercenary force that will forever divide the exploding populace into two classes, rather than three…there may be hope.

Meet Goldilocks:

Though the article above states the planet, the sixth discovered to revolve around a star named Gliese 581, requires a journey of “several generations” to reach, that should not deter the hale and hearty of us who value the prospect of removing ourselves to the only new frontier left – outer space. There is no longer any corner of old Earth that is free from corporate molestation, government bungling and the relentless energy required to subdue the independent and energetic. So why go down with a sinking ship? After the presidential elections of 2004, I considered abdicating for Canada, but really, there are still humans there and as the very wise Jean Paul Sartre wrote in his famous play No Exit, “hell is other people”.

I am not suggesting that anyone resettle on Goldilocks solo. While it is true that other homo sapiens, especially those in the business of government, can drive us to distraction, it is nonetheless paradoxically true that no man can last long as an island. But as Goldy is roughly “three times the mass of Earth,” it would take a lot of unprotected sex before the first settlers would start bumping into each other (hee hee, I said “bumping”).

While it is being reported that Goldy enjoys a climate that can be “as hot as 160 degrees or as frigid as 25 degrees below zero,” this may be a relocation deterrent for residents of temperate Earth climates. But for citizens of Chicago, why that’s just like home! In fact 25 below zero is often considered a balmy day during the Windy City’s winter months.

In any case, astronomers report that “conditions are ideal for liquid water” and not the kind that contains BP oil either. Best of all, Comcast has not yet discovered a way to install cable and internet service and since “several generations” is too far to request an absentee ballot, via USPS, you may finally be able to achieve the freedom from our insane electoral process.

Unemployment rates and housing prices will hardly matter, because Goldilocks has no buildings, therefore no mortgage lenders or cubicle environments.

So to quote Jerry McGuire: “Who’s coming with me?!”


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