Coming out of the Dark (January 13, 2011)

It was around the time I found myself sitting in my sister’s closet, sandwiched precariously between my brother-in-law’s suits and casual clothes, willing my body to remain silent and still, that I realized I have been taking myself far too seriously of late.

From the floor below, I heard occasional crashes and the sounds of mild confusion before two little voices pleaded in weary exasperation, “Give us a hint Aunt Becky!”

I am no ventriloquist but I attempted to throw my voice into the hallway as I yelped a quick “upstairs!”

More chaos and giggling ensued until I could no longer help myself. Besides, my right elbow had gone stiff from the modified fetal position I had chosen as my battle stance. Out I leapt, shouting “Here I am!” scaring the beejesus out of my beloved nieces, KK and Rosebud, ages 11 and 3, who ran away screaming and laughing.

Is there any sound more cleansing to the soul than that of happy children? When my sister Jen asked if I could help her out of a jam yesterday, I initially thought of all the bureaucratic business of my own life that would need rescheduling. It’s not that I don’t covet time with my girls, who live more than an hour away, it’s merely that I have allowed myself to be sucked into an unhappy, routine vortex of sending out resumes, interviewing, feeling like a loser when I don’t land the job, repeat. I tend to feel panic and guilt if I am not devoting every spare second toward contemplating my future. The funny thing is, the more I think, the less I move.

Babysitting duties: board games, movies and lunch with Rosebud, before picking up KK from school and taking the girls for an afternoon treat, left me no time, energy or desire for ruminative ill humor. It was the total break from “normal life” that I desperately needed.

I really forgot how good I am at being an aunt. And to fill the role of an auntie is no easy task. One must be game for anything. Throughout the course of the day, the woman who no longer saw herself fit for anything was alternately a horse, a chef (and per Rosebud, the maker of “the best turkey sandwich and pickle ever!”), a cat whisperer, a dancer and a catcher of imaginary butterflies. These may not be skills that an employer seeks when reviewing a resume, but I can tell you from experience, they’re damn valuable.

For the first time since I can remember, I wore a smile unforced. I handed out more hugs and kisses than I can count. I stopped thinking, in a real and honest way, about the burdens I have allowed to turn me a person with whom I’d no longer like to party.

And it must be true that good things happen to those finally ready to receive them, because after a relative dry spell, I was called for not one, but two interviews whilst cuddling the girls, enthralled by Toy Story 3. As always, I will put my best foot forward when speaking with these potential employers, but I am tired of this game, and I vow not to over think it anymore.

I was reminded that at its core, life is mostly a very silly business.

Let’s Everybody Calm Down (January 11, 2011)


The image above is certainly incendiary isn’t it? The nation is aflutter, once again, over an unconscionable act of violence that took place over the weekend. On an otherwise lovely Saturday in the parking lot of a Tuscon, Arizona strip mall, a lone gunman, 22 year-old Jared Loughner opened fire on a crowd of Rep. Gabrielle Giffords’s constituents, killing six, including a 9 year-old girl born on 9/11/2001. 14 others were wounded, including Ms. Giffords, who suffered a gunshot directly to the brain.

It is a source of comfort to learn from the lawmaker’s medical team that the representative, famous for her accessible “Congress on Your Corner” events, is alert and able to breathe on her own. No one can say what the long-term brings for Giffords and her family. It is all just speculation at this point, but we can be certain that her recovery from the trauma will be extensive and arduous.

In much the same way after the terrible events of 9/11 took place, there is the temptation to panic. There is a real debate taking place regarding how much access to public officials is too much. Where is the line between serving the people and protecting oneself from them? Once again, a familiar feeling that our culture is spinning out of control has led to some reactionary, emotional responses from people who sit at all points on the political spectrum.

Allow me to say upfront and with absolute clarity that I am no fan of former Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin. I disagree with her on everything from women’s issues, to climate change, government regulation of private sector business, and yes, gun control. I think her words are often chosen for effect and shock value, designed to burnish her rising star rather than reflect a deliberate consideration of practical policy. She is a narcissist who often fails to consider the impact of her actions. Just ask former Presidential campaign staffers for Senator John McCain. In the words of the immortal Miley Cyrus, Palin just “can’t be tamed.”

That said, it is an awfully long leap in logic to tack any of the blame for Saturday’s tragedy on Sarah Palin. The crosshairs map (above) which features gun sights over various congressional districts throughout America held by Democrats, including Rep. Giffords’ constituency, is at the center of the controversy. The Sarah Palin Action Committee used the crosshairs map to target seats during the 2010 elections, elections I might add, that are long since over.

There is certainly a place for discussion about the political tone in Washington, which seems to ratchet up with ever-increasing vitriol, and may certainly provide that last push for a person hovering on the edge of mental stability. However the answer to rhetorical extremism from the right is not an equal dose from the left. I have read the words of serious writers, some of them publishing on this very forum, who have called for legal consequences for Palin. However to build a case, there must be demonstrable cause and effect. As far as I am aware, there has yet to be a solid line drawn between the crosshairs map and the gut wrenching actions of Jared Loughner. I may not like Ms. Palin but I can grant that she is no advocate for child murder.

Instead of the Left pointing its finger at the Right for irresponsible language (though it is an issue worth discussing), I find myself leaning toward the prospective of New York Times columnist Gail Collins. In an essay published yesterday and titled “A Right to Bear Glocks?” Collins highlights Arizona’s permissive attitude toward the carry and concealment of semiautomatic weapons as one of the culprits in this tragedy.

She writes convincingly, “you do not hear much about the fact that Jared Loughner came to Giffords’s sweet gathering with a semiautomatic weapon that he was able to buy legally because the law restricting their sale expired in 2004 and Congress did not have the guts to face up to the National Rifle Association and extend it.”

Collins adds, “If Loughner had gone to the Safeway carrying a regular pistol, the kind most Americans think of when they think of the right to bear arms, Giffords would probably still have been shot…But we might not have lost a federal judge, a 76-year-old church volunteer, two elderly women, Giffords’s 30-year-old constituent services director and a 9-year-old girl who had recently been elected to the student council at her school and went to the event because she wanted to see how democracy worked.”

We know what the hardcore members of the NRA will say. Guns don’t kill people. It’s people who do that. Fine, but there is just no reason I can think of to have a person carrying around a weapon that can spray bullets and kill numerous souls in an instant.

Politics and violence have been around since men first decided to anoint themselves into leadership positions over one another. Premature death is part of the risk of entering the political arena. But Caesar was looking out for poison and daggers, not uzis.

 

Somewhere Between Slim and None (January 8, 2011)


 

This weekend, the NFL Playoff series gets underway. Although I always enjoy a competitive, well-played match no which team is on the field, there is really only one club whose run I will follow. As a lifelong Chicago resident, I was born and raised to be a citizen of Bears nation.

Da Bears, with their 11-5 record over the course of the season, are fortunate enough to enjoy the week off before they must face the Philadelphia Eagles, New Orleans Saints or Seattle Seahawks at home next week. Fans of my hometown team better hope the organization’s 17-week lucky streak continues, because if so, we will be rewarded with a matchup against Seattle. With a exceptionally mediocre record of 7-9, the Seahawks are the first team to win a playoff berth with a losing tally.

Go Hawks! Because I’ll let you in on a little, poorly kept secret: stellar win ratio aside, the Bears are not a very good team. I have taken a lot of heat from friends and family over repeated insistence that this is so. It is the curse of the righteous to remain unpopular.

Don’t believe me? Watch the tapes of Week 1, when the Bears won against DETRIOT by a hair (granted, the Lions are finally on the upswing) due to the reversal of a last-second touchdown. Otherwise, they collectively stunk up Soldier Field for a full 60 minutes.

But anyone can have a bad week right? Then let’s discuss Week 3, when the Bears narrowly bested the Green Bay Packers, after the Aaron Rodgers-led team managed to set a clubhouse record of 18 penalties. Don’t think the penalties played a role? Rodgers threw for 316 total yards to Jay Cutler’s lackluster 37.

But there’s more. Should I mention Week 14’s pummeling at home by the New England Patriots in the middle of a blizzard? Or perhaps last week’s disgusting season finale, once more against Green Bay, where the Bears appeared to have been replaced by members of the TFL (Tiny Football League).

If all else fails to convince, consider that Jay Cutler, Chicago’s obnoxiously overpaid Quarterback, has been sacked no less than 52 times this season. And before you go feeling sorry for the oft-concussed player, laying the exclusive blame on the Bears’ miserable, porous, offensive line, keep in mind that almost every other QB in the NFL knows to get rid of the ball in 10 seconds or less (an eternity in football time).

But hey, what’s good for Chicago sports is always good for me, and I will be front and center next week, hoping for the best, yet fearing the worst. In fact this season reminds me an awful lot of the 2006-2007 one, when the Bears earned a mystifying trip to the SuperBowl. Once there, Payton Manning and the Indianapolis Colts ran all over us. Just sayin’.

 

The Therapeutic Effects of Bar Trivia (January 6, 2011)


 

It is no secret to anyone who checks in with my blog from time to time that I am going through a rough patch, to make a huge understatement. Long term unemployment and the psychological fuckery that goes along with the job hunt process, family troubles and insomnia have conspired to sap me mentally and physically. I paid a second visit to my doctor yesterday, in the quest to get a good night’s sleep, and she asked if I thought I might be depressed. Um, yes.

I have been doing a lot of withdrawing and avoiding lately. I don’t feel like explaining to people why I look so awful, and often stare off into space during conversation. However, there are still some invitations that prove too irresistible for a zombie to decline.

Along with my good friends Timbo and Di, I am the third member of a roving bar trivia team known as Three Dimes Down. Timbo borrowed the name from a song by the band Drive-By Truckers, which incidentally, would also make for a great trivia team moniker. Although three is a small number for a typical group, we are streamlined, which makes for quicker, less argumentative decision making. By contrast, check out the tables of 10 on a crowded night sometime. Drunkenly shouting and shoving each other is not an effective strategy. The members of Three Dimes Down all have their own unique category specialties, which is another recipe for our usual success. Di is the subject matter expert on music, art and philosophy. Timbo takes on sports, geography and a good chunk of the history questions. And I of course bring up the intellectual rear with an encyclopedic knowledge of all things pop culture.

 

My teammates and I played quite a few times this past Fall, but as I am certainly not at my sharpest these days, I have been loathe to suggest a rematch. But when Timbo sounded the call last night, I found myself experiencing an excitement I thought dormant.

I am a VERY competitive person. One of my worst qualities is that I want to be the best at everything, and if I can’t be, I sometimes don’t want to engage in said activity. Vain and childish yes, but my intensity can also be a huge asset when fully in charge of my faculties.

I arrived at little after 7:00 last night to meet my friends. We usually have a drink and some eats before the trivia starts, and that allows us to get all the personal catching up done away with so we can fully focus.

I won’t bore you with a lengthy play by play, but it was not Three Dimes Down’s night. After screwing us twice when we had narrowed the options down to 50-50, my teammates and I have decided that we now hate Brazil (ah Carnivale, I barely knew thee!). The round involving state nicknames was likewise a total bloodbath. On our worst days, Tim, Di and I typically finish in the top four. Last night we didn’t even crack tenth place. I need to study an atlas, like yesterday.

Anyway, the poor performance, which would normally cause a solid day’s worth of second guessing and rumination, is beside the point. It’s the strangest thing, but for the first time in an entire month, I slept like a lamb. I conked out around midnight and woke up just short of 11:00 AM. I almost forget how wonderful it is to be rested, so long has the experience been removed from me.

And I think I know why. I have been unemployed for some time, and though I have been interviewing a lot, I have yet to close a deal. My confidence has taken a huge hit. I used to be the girl who knew that once the face to face round arrived, I was unstoppable.

But now? Just this week, I had what I thought was a great conversation with an HR Manager at a travel outfit. She was so enthusiastic about my background, and assured me that I’d hear from her no later than the following morning about returning to meet the VP. Well the morning arrived and instead I received an email informing me that they had “decided to pursue other candidates.” A part-time media writer position I interviewed for two weeks ago? The CEO emailed me from Florida, where he was vacationing for the holidays, to say he enjoyed me and my samples, and would definitely be in touch when he returned to Chicago. Of course I found that same job re-posted on Craig’s List yesterday.

All this bullshit, the lack of integrity, especially when putting forth all one’s effort and very self, can be tremendously debilitating. It’s an employer’s market. They know it and we can suck it. All the rejection can lead you to question every strength and talent you once believed you had.

It may seem silly, but last night’s camaraderie with my teammates demonstrated that my competitive spirit has not been broken, just badly wounded. And just as soon as I can find a venue for my skills with Sex and the City trivia, 80s television and music, and the filmography of Jennifer Jason Leigh, I’ll be all set.

 

Hope in 2011 for the Unemployed? (January 4, 2011)

http://www.dailyfinance.com/story/careers/job-growth-hiring-employment-surge-ahead-2011-forecast-prediction/19778318/

As a long-suffering member of the long-term unemployed community, I look for any sign that career fortunes are about to change, and grab on with the tenacity of a starving rat. So when I encountered articles late last week, like this one from Daily Finance that claims “Signs on Wall Street Point to Job Growth Ahead,” I couldn’t help but get a little excited.

Yes, I realize there are risks in attenuating to the predictions of a group of money changers who wrecked our economy in 2008 while running off unscathed with the gold, but dammit, I need to believe!

The article states that “Internet job listings surged to 4.7 million as of Dec. 1, compared to 2.7 million from the same period a year ago, according to a recent report in The Wall Street Journal. Many of the new jobs are in the retailing, accounting, consulting health care, telecommunications and defense-related industries”

Well I don’t work retail, am not an accountant or doctor and want nothing to do with defense, but bully for those sectors! And I am just chipper enough today to assume that a 50% increase in available jobs over a year must necessarily be good for almost all of us on the government cheese. More accountants will need up-to-date tax pamphlets, which will require more writers. I can buy into trickle down economics in this case. Why not?

So what we’ve got is quite a few more job openings, but are companies actually hiring? This is where the situation grows a bit murky. I have been on no fewer than seven face to face job interviews in 12 weeks, including one this afternoon for a travel outfit, and one on Thursday for a major player in the banking industry. In almost all of these cases, I am confident that I looked professional, spoke eloquently (for me anyway), and performed well on the myriad pre-employment assessments and writing tests that have become a de rigueur part of the process in the 21st Century.

But for all that work, I have little to show for it. In other words, I remain jobless. In some cases, I didn’t speak enough Spanish, in others my rate (twice minimum wage without benefits) was way too lofty for managers who knew they could take advantage of less experienced, cheaper labor. In a few cases, I am outright confused as to why I was not hired, but try getting answers from an HR department once they have written you off.

I have numerous friends and colleagues facing similar dilemmas. My question is then: are employers really ready to hire, to fork over a reason to get out of bed in the morning to the jobless and depressed, or is this just an illusion designed to create enthusiasm in the stock market? I said I was ready to believe again if presented with the right evidence, but that doesn’t mean I was born yesterday.

Consider this quote from the lead paragraph of Daily Finance’s article, “Still, with corporate profits booming and the stock market rallying, signs are piling up that employment may finally be poised for a comeback, too.” Oh, so after a full 12 months of hoarding stock piles of cash and the meteoric rise of the Dow, companies “may” finally feel benevolent enough to create some jobs for those who helped build these same companies, only to show them the door.

It’s a testament to the continued emasculation of the middle and class (male and female members alike) that we are forced to wait, and wait with smiles on our faces, for these dangled carrots to materialize.